I cheated on my girlfriend. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I had to lose her to find myself.

• I had been dating my girlfriend for two years when an old flame came back into my life; I cheated.

• I didn’t understand why I was cheating; it came down to the lack of communication in my relationship.

• I lost my girlfriend, but it helped me grow as a person.

Ever since I understood the concept of a romantic relationship, I understood that trust and loyalty were two important ingredients in its development. That’s when I realized the biggest threat to a relationship: infidelity.

As if that weren’t enough, in my career as a lawyer in New York, I learned that a rarely enforced 1907 law made adultery a crime in New York State—at least until earlier this year, when a bill was passed to overturn the law. to withdraw. .

And yet I went for it. I did it. I cheated on my ex. But make no mistake: this is not an apology letter or a boast. What’s done is done. This is exactly what I learned from my decision to cheat.

It started as a one-time thing

I met my ex during the last days of college – right as we were transitioning from young adults to professionals. We had been dating for a few years when the cheating happened.

It wasn’t a drunken night out with a stranger. Instead, an old flame of mine knocked on my door. She needed legal help. A message led to a meeting, which led to dinner. Dinner led to a dark place (figuratively and literally). The rest is history.

The next few days I couldn’t live with myself. I became the most attentive and caring friend for the next few months to bear the guilt.

I remember thinking, “Maybe I needed that to increase my desire to be with her.” I promised myself it would be a one-time thing. But that disappeared when it happened again. I went back to my old flame. She seemed to offer something that I couldn’t find in my relationship. I just didn’t know what.

I looked for justifications instead of solutions

The guilt never washed away, but after I lost the fear of doing it the first time, subsequent occasions became easier.

I couldn’t stop until the unresolved question “why?” tormented my mind more than when the guilt tormented my soul. I tried to answer the question with external factors. In doing this, all I found were justifications: lack of sex, boredom with the routine, allure of something new, need for attention, and unresolved feelings. They were all true, but I was missing the bigger picture.

It wasn’t until I looked inside that I discovered what was wrong: communication – or rather, the lack thereof. For years I had built a relationship based on half-truths that only created an artificial connection. I was living a lie, and that meant that I would go for anything that resembled something real – even if it was wrong, even if it came at someone else’s expense.

My ‘mistress’ had her own flaws and faults, but they became meaningless as soon as I was unfaithful. When I crossed the line, I was the only one responsible for the demise of the relationship.

I learned my lesson in time

My ex was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But I also knew that something was already broken, and the guilt would never let me fully be with her again. Cheating on her is by far the worst thing I’ve ever done. But I had to lose her to find myself – which will never justify what I did, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

The hardest part came next. Was I doomed? Would I ever be loyal and faithful again? Would I forgive myself? I still haven’t found an answer to the first two questions, but I like to think that the more I work on myself, the more likely I am to meet someone I will admire, love and, most importantly, communicate with.

I did that for the third question. I forgave myself when I learned these lessons: don’t lie, don’t hurt people, don’t open a new door without closing the old one, and most importantly, don’t betray yourself by going against your ideals. Once I understood that I had done something wrong, but that it didn’t come from a bad place, I could see that it wasn’t the end of the world. Life went on.

Read the original article on Business Insider