Dear Eric: Over the past 30 years, I have been very generous to a brother who has never been in very good financial shape.

I have felt a certain contempt from her and her family towards my generosity. I get a thank you or recognition maybe half the time.

She is very irascible and regularly bothers me with things that happened 20 or 30 years ago, sarcastic comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.

After many years of letting it go, I feel very angry at his ingratitude and attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to improve her life, but maybe in doing so I made her feel bad about herself.

We haven’t spoken in almost a year. I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have drastically reduced the amount of money I give him.

But I hate feeling angry and resentful towards her, and I would love to be able to find a way to move on and let go of all these negative emotions. I really don’t even know if she realizes I’m upset.

—Financing Family

Dear family: Money talks, but it murmurs a lot, which is why we have to be especially clear in our communications about it. Cutting back on your generosity is fine, but it won’t get to the root of the problem and is likely to be misinterpreted.

It will be helpful if both of you can have a conversation focused on how you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to work through your resentment and she probably needs it too.

Before approaching her, think about what you really want. It can be as simple as a thank you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that. Is there a part of you that feels hurt by his response or his sarcastic comments? Are you frustrated because the money you gave didn’t stop the pain? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.

You write that maybe she doesn’t even know you’re upset; It’s painful to read because it suggests that she is not giving you the same thought and care that you are giving her.

Classify your feelings and discover what your responsibility is to resolve them alone and what you can contribute to your conversation with her.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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