Nadine, a 32-year-old mother of two, had decided she needed to leave her abusive relationship, for her own safety and that of her children. She thought she could end the relationship amicably by telling her partner that she wanted to end the relationship. Instead, her partner’s behavior worsened: he immediately began yelling accusations and threats about what would happen if she tried to leave him. In an attack of angerHe became physically violent, pushing Nadine against a wall and threatening to harm her if she left. Terrified and feeling trapped, she stayed, thinking it was safer this way.

Nadine’s story is a common one. In fact, it takes most victims an average of seven times to leave an abusive relationship.¹ Departure is often one of the most dangerous moments for victims of couple violenceas this is the time when the abusive partner feels like they are losing control. Many victims report that their partner’s behavior escalated in the days or weeks before or after their departure, and statistics show that the risk of serious harm or death increases significantly when a victim decides to leave their abuser.^1.2. When possible, having a safety plan can help reduce the possibility of violence.¹.

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Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult to plan, especially because the abuse may escalate and the victim may have to leave suddenly. Like Nadine, many victims think that having a calm, rational conversation might work, only to experience further abuse or violence as the abusive person becomes enraged. I remember thinking the same thing. That’s why having a basic plan, even if it consists of just a few key elements, can significantly improve security.

When preparing to leave, a safety plan is essential

Protect all living beings first and foremost. Protect children, dependents, family members who live at home or depend on you, animals and other living beings that would be involved.

Keep this in mind:

1) Plan who will come with you: Are there children? petsAny dependents or other family members in the home? Have you considered custody and other legal aspects?

2) Make arrangements about where you will go: Will you stay with a trusted friend or family member? A shelter for victims of domestic violence? Making arrangements can help the process go smoothly by ensuring that there is space and availability for you and the people you bring with you and that others are prepared to support you.

3) When will you leave? Sometimes this is difficult to plan. But having an idea of ​​when, such as during a time when the abusive person is away or at work, can help improve your ability to leave safely.

4) How will you get there? It is important to have an idea of ​​how it will go. Will someone pick you up or do you plan to drive yourself? If you are taking your car, get into the habit of keeping the gas tank at least half full. Many victims may not have access to a car that is not owned by the perpetrator, so this will need to be taken into account.

5) Who will support you? Having support from friends or family can help ensure that you have transportation, can make appointments, and have additional people nearby in case the perpetrator returns home early. Make sure you only tell those who support you because it can be very dangerous if the abuser finds out that you plan to leave. It’s a good idea to create a code word with a friend that you can call or text in case of emergency.

6) Financial planning: Will you have access to credit cards or a savings account? Can you start saving or apply for a loan? Will a friend or family member or a local domestic violence agency help you with this process? If you can, take cash out of the bank and keep it in a safe place. I often advise clients to leave money with a trusted person or in a safe place, such as a safe at work. You can then add cash to it when you can. If your financial situation is deeply intertwined with that of your partner, such as joint accounts, you may want to consult with an attorney.

7) Paperwork: Take or make copies of all legal documents, such as passports, important medical documentation, legal or immigration paperwork, titles to your car, etc. It is becoming more common to have custody battles over pets or shared animals, so make copies of adoption paperwork, vet bills or other documentation to prepare.

8) Protect yourself after separation: Modify your route to and from work and other places you frequent.

9) Make a list of emergency numbers and keep it visible, perhaps taped to a cabinet. Include the police, the nearest domestic violence shelter, or any friends or family members who can help. This will help all family members find this information when they need it in a crisis.

10) Change all passwords: Change passwords to social networksemail accounts and all online banking. Remove your ex from any shared accounts, such as Amazon, Uber, Paypal, and Venmo.

Nadine and I worked together to develop a safety plan, identifying a trusted friend with whom she could stay temporarily. Nadine also gathered important legal documents, packed a small emergency bag, and began secretly saving money. She planned to leave while her partner was at work, was able to gather the things she needed for herself and the children, and also had time to make phone calls to lawyers and other legal supports. We also discuss options for shelter and legal protection, including obtaining a restraining order against your partner. Through counseling and legal assistance, Nadine began to understand the cycle of abuse.

Leaving an abusive relationship is always a challenge and having a safety plan will not make it easy. However, it can significantly improve your chances of leaving safely, help you stay safe afterwards, and reduce the likelihood of returning due to lack of a safe place to go. However, there are times when victims must leave abruptly, without a plan, because they are in immediate danger. It is important to remember that the decision to leave should never be delayed simply because there is no plan.

If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic violence or an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.