Question for Eric: Dealing with emotional distance from your adult child

Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/their pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse throughout the marriage. I ended up divorcing this man before they graduated from high school.

After years of therapy, I have come to understand my behavior and have sincerely apologized to my oldest for not removing him from that situation sooner.

When they went to college, they started not returning calls and texts.

Last Christmas they told me they didn’t understand why no one defended them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother.

We discussed moving forward with their advisor to resolve these issues together. They told me it was also my responsibility to move us forward.

I have texted numerous times about improving our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they felt comfortable with this and that I would hear from them in the coming weeks.

Since then, there have been no further reports of attempts to move forward. It feels like deliberate cruelty. I feel less and less of the need to interact with them in the superficial way I used to. I just don’t want to push myself into the life of someone who resents me as a mother for the many ways I’ve let him down.

– Angry to mother

Dear Mom: When your oldest says it’s up to you to move your relationship forward and then doesn’t respond, it strikes me as a poorly constructed test of your commitment. They want to know that you will stand up for them, while also punishing you for not showing up for them the way they wanted in the past. This is a sign that someone is not as ready to move on as they say they are. And that’s probably painful for them too.

Try to find a communication boundary that feels right for you, without feeling like you’re constantly reaching out without a response. What you want is to maintain some semblance of the relationship to meet your emotional needs, without setting expectations in your child that they will not meet.

Discuss the pain you feel during individual therapy. This is going to take longer than you want. But it’s not because you’re bad or unworthy of your child’s love or attention. It’s because healing is a complicated journey and you’re both still working on it.

Read more Erik asks And other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.