6 little things you have to give up for good to find your soulmate, according to psychology

Are you trying to attract your dream partner and have you read all the manuals and books available? As a relationship coach, this is the formula I’ve seen work wonders: Less is more when it comes to attracting a partner.

Life is like a vacuum. You can only invite new experiences (for example a partner) if you let go of old experiences. By giving up the following six things, you will soon attract high-quality partners into your life.

Here are six little things you have to give up to find your soulmate, according to psychology:

1. Control

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If you think you can control when Mr. or Mrs. Right comes into your life, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You can download all the dating apps in the world, go on five dates a day and still end up alone.

The moment you try to control the timing of your soulmate, you are acting out of fear. Good things never happen when you experience a deficiency.

Here are a few examples:

• Set yourself the goal of finding a partner quickly, because all your friends have one
• After you’ve gone on a few dates and tried to convince yourself, “It has to be them!”
• I hope they like you too and want a relationship with you

Stop trying to get into the other person’s experience, instead of staying in your power. You cannot force or control any outcome. Research from 2023 confirms that you cannot make yourself compatible with someone.

You can only find your true soulmate if you act from a position of power. That means you have to love your life as it is and you need a partner to complement it, not complete it.

Just wait. If someone really belongs in your life, they will stay no matter what, without you having to control or force them.

RELATED: 18 reassuring signs he’s the one

2. Appendix

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Even if you find your soulmate, he/she may have a terminal illness, die in a car accident, or leave suddenly. This isn’t to sound pessimistic, but to help you focus on the one place where life (and love) happens: in the present moment. Staying in the present moment can help you live a happy and comfortable life, 2017 research confirms.

Of course you become attached to a partner, but you can still choose to remember that everything is impermanent. Looking at science, there is only one kind of love: pure and universal.

The love you feel for a partner should be the same as the love you feel for a sibling, friend, or pet. This is what that means in a nutshell, as beautifully expressed by André Duqum:

“Love is wanting what is truly best for another person, even if you think it is not what is best for you or what you really want right now.”

Experiencing true soulmate therefore means letting go of attachment as best you can. Ancient traditions even call ‘attachment’ the source of all misery.

Attachment is the opposite of true love. Keep reminding yourself that you are going to be okay no matter what happens or not.

3. Future plans

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I hear so many people say:

• “I’ll do this vacation as soon as I have a partner.”
• “I don’t want to move out of my flat yet because I might have a partner soon.”
• “I’ll do this course/visit XYZ/wear that lingerie once I have a partner.”

How does it feel to sit in a waiting room all your life? Please stop waiting for a partner to do the things you want. Research shows that doing things alone can even improve your well-being.

Yes, it’s okay to want to have a partner and have great experiences together. But all of the above are excuses for not stepping into your full power.

You can create all these things with yourself, friends, family or any other great community. You don’t need a romantic partner. You can be the best you’ve ever been if you’re committed enough to your pleasure. You can even adopt a child alone. Don’t wait any longer for someone else to start your plans.

RELATED: What it really takes to find love and have a perfect relationship

4. Expectations

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If you expect your partner to “make you happy” and fulfill your life, you are running in the opposite direction from your soulmates. Can you imagine the enormous pressure it puts on someone else to think he or she is responsible for your joy?

You are the only source of your happiness. It is an internal state. Let go of all expectations you have of a partner and first give everything you expect of him or her to yourself. Having unrealistic unmet expectations can lead to depression, according to 2012 research.

Also let go of the idea that having a partner will “heal” or “save” certain parts of you. As Blu from Earth put it: “Relationships are mirrors. You have the opportunity to see yourself through someone else’s eyes.”

A partner may reflect your blind spots back to you, but it’s still your job to work through them. You can’t expect them to do the work for you. If your life has been turbulent, a soulmate will not miraculously save you from all your wounds and problems.

RELATED: 5 proven signs that you are in love, according to psychology

5. Projections

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“You are in situationships looking for relationships because if you were to leave the situationships you would find yourself in relationships.” — Mark Groves, relationship coach

Preparing for ‘the one’ means letting go of projections. You keep dating bad people because you attribute meaning to your situation.

You project qualities onto a person and create an ideal image that does not exist. Many people, after just one date, say, “I think they’re the one,” or worse, they put pressure on themselves thinking, “They must be the one!”

Letting go of projections also means accepting that it takes time to really get to know someone. If you want to find your soulmate, remember that seeing the depth of their “soul” doesn’t happen overnight.

Stop projecting your needs onto others, be super real and clear with yourself, and be unromantically rational. Really knowing someone takes time, and taking it slow can benefit your relationship, according to research by the New York Times.

6. Hope

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If you want to meet ‘the one’, it’s time to let go of all hope. Not the hope that this person exists; they are and they are just as excited to meet you as you are to meet them. However, you need to let go of the hope that your former lover(s) will come back or that your ex will suddenly change and turn into Prince or Princess Perfect!

Who actually wants to go back to their ex? All these problems will still be there. Research from 2014 shows that couples who get back together again and again will have lower relationship satisfaction and will not be as committed to each other.

I find that so many people are dishonest with themselves when it comes to past relationships and lovers. They say they’re over it, but as soon as they get the “I miss you” message from them, they’re hooked again.

The chance that people change is about 1 percent. The chance that people will switch for you is exactly 0 percent. Because someone else can only change for themselves, never for you.

As I said in the beginning, you first have to free up energy to be able to take up space for someone new. That means truly grieving and letting go of your old relationships, knowing that the best is yet to come.

Instead of cramming more “to-dos” into your dating life, I’m a big fan of eliminating the things that no longer serve you. You free up space and can automatically trust that new experiences will come. You can only find your soulmate if you are in your true strength and act from love, not fear.

RELATED: 6 scientifically proven facts about love that make it much less confusing

Anja Vojta, MSc is a certified relationship coach and divorce expert. She is a regular contributor to Medium, The Good Men Project and Better Humans, among others.