Dear Eric: My brother “Jeff,” 35, lives in another state and has been dating and living with his 25-year-old girlfriend for five years. He has flown home to visit us several times over the years, but has never brought her with him to meet us.

At the beginning of the relationship, she was very abusive towards him. He once had her arrested and imprisoned.

He admitted that he did not love her and was no longer attracted to her, but continued his relationship with her. Obviously it doesn’t give us any reason to support their relationship.

Our mother paid for an all-inclusive family trip for him, our brother (single), my husband, and me. She didn’t invite her girlfriend because she never met any of us. “Jeff” was offended by this, so he decided that he would not go on vacation.

He and I argued because he told me that our mom didn’t invite the bride on purpose just to upset him, but I know that’s not true because our mom was very worried about his decision and his way of approaching it.

Now our greatest fears have come true. He doesn’t talk to any of us. He has completely isolated himself with his girlfriend thousands of miles away. I know she doesn’t have friends, so it’s up to her. I miss him and worry a lot about his well-being. I know he won’t welcome me with open arms because I don’t support their relationship, but how do I approach him to try to reconcile?

– Worried about baby brother

Dear Worried: The easiest way may not be the best way here. It seems likely that if you accept his reality: his girlfriend is “part of the family”; The problems of the past no longer exist: he will be reconciled. But that doesn’t help anyone.

Jeff has been very clear about the problems he has with their relationship (some of which are of his own creation) and has made no effort to unite the two houses. The girlfriend is a stranger who has a pattern of abuse. Why would you include it?

Their isolation could also be part of the abuse. To begin rebuilding your bridge, you need to focus on the relationship you have with Jeff as brothers. Tell him you miss him and what you appreciate about him. Tell him that you would like to be in each other’s lives again.

See if you can keep this conversation from focusing on a single topic. The big ideas are that you love him, you care about him, and you miss him. From that, in the future you can begin to ask probing questions about how you are feeling and how you can get the help you need to put this behind you.