DEAR ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a brief fight with cancer. His daughter, my niece, was scheduled to get married later this year. They have problems with finances and the death of my brother-in-law exacerbated the situation. To help, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to use for my niece’s party so they could have her somewhere nice. My sister was grateful, but unfortunately we didn’t hear from my niece.

A couple of months later, the wedding is already cancelled. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and told me they had booked another one. Nothing has been mentioned about returning our $1,000. My wife is increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family dispute. While I agree that the money should be returned, I’m inclined to just cancel it rather than cause a mess. I’d love to hear your perspective. — GENEROUS IN THE EAST

DEAR GENEROUS: My perspective is that when it comes to your sister and her daughter, you need to close your wallet tight. The money is gone and you are right that raising the issue will cause ill will. Their generosity should have been recognized and, when the wedding was cancelled, their money should have been returned instead of going towards a mother-daughter holiday. If your niece manages to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a “wedding gift.”

DEAR ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mother and father left. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three nephews’ exes. This bothers me and my wife for 20 years.

I firmly believe that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce “outside” the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law remain close friends since our divorce and have rejected my current wife.

Should we be angry at the invitation? Shouldn’t we attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still “part of the family” and should be included. My wife and I are furious. Who is here? — PARTY IN IOWA

DEAR PARTY-BODY: Did your parents include your ex-wife in previous family gatherings? If they did, I can understand why she would be welcome here. However, if they didn’t, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your brothers’ wives have rejected your wife for 20 years.

That being said, not all divorces are the same. Some ex-partners achieve an amicable separation, and you cannot and should not dictate who your family members choose to have relationships with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the meeting, I don’t blame you.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact our dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.