rediffGURU Kanchan Rai offers advice on how to prioritize your mental well-being while building a healthy relationship with your partner.

• You can post your questions on rediffGURU Kanchan Rai. HERE.

Would you marry someone who doesn’t have a stable career or personal savings?

How do you deal with misunderstandings in a committed relationship?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rairelationship coach and founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, encourages you to talk about your problems so you can find solutions and transform your life.

• You can post your questions on rediffGURU Kanchan Rai. HERE.

Anonymous: My boyfriend, 34 years old, has an older brother who has two daughters and a wife.
My boyfriend’s parents no longer exist. My boyfriend wants to marry me but has no savings, mutual funds or property.
When I asked my boyfriend to start focusing on his own life instead of helping him financially, he became irritated.
His elder brother takes care of the visa business, but he didn’t help my boyfriend in the same.
My boyfriend is very upset and wants to contribute to his brother’s children and future, with funds and education, but I haven’t felt the same emotion when talking about the future with me.
I am very confused, I love him but I want him to focus on himself and his financial future.
I may feel something uncomfortable in your family relationships but if I get married I don’t want all this mess.
We have communicated the same way, but he always gets hurt. What do I have to do?

You’re in a difficult situation where your boyfriend’s focus on supporting his brother’s family overshadows his attention to your future together.

He seems to feel responsible for his brother’s children, especially since their parents are no longer around, but this comes at the expense of his own financial planning and goals with you.

While it’s admirable that you want to help, it’s essential that you also prioritize the future you’re trying to build together.

Anonymous: I am going through some situations in my relationship with my wife. I am not able to distinguish which step to take.
In short, we had an arranged marriage. We got married in 2019.
We had a distant relationship as we were both working.
Due to some misunderstanding, we separated from April 2021 to July 2024 without contact or conversation.
He contacted me in July 2024 and decided to start over.
Since I am here now and can be posted anywhere in India wherever my company can send me, I contacted one of my friends who works in the same institution and is my childhood friend. He said yes, it would be good if I got a promotion. But if he accepted the promotion, he will continue to roam anywhere in India.
My friend, who knew our situation and relationship, explained to me that we no longer live as a couple, so she should consider her social life, something she can do, avoiding promotion.
My wife now asks me why she wants a baby. She said that the baby would stay with me and since my wife had no brother she also told me that she would stay with her parents forever.
I said, ‘It’s okay, I just want a life that we can all enjoy together.’
If we are blessed with any baby, he or she should receive love from everyone (you, me and our parents).
She denied it and told me it was not possible.
Now I am suffering from a lot of thoughts and stress with uneven mood swings. If I choose to have a baby, how will it work?
He earns almost more than one lakh a month.
I told her I was okay with the promotion, but the baby should get love and care. Now I find myself stuck in the middle.

First, it’s important to recognize how difficult this must be for both of you after such a long period of no contact.

Rebuilding a relationship after being apart for more than three years, especially with such different expectations, will require patience, understanding, and honest communication.

It sounds like you both have valid concerns.

She wants to balance her career and family and you want a life where the child is surrounded by love and stability. However, her desire to have her parents with her permanently and her concerns about how the baby will be raised should be carefully considered before making any decisions.

Your friend’s advice on how to balance your personal and professional life is worth considering, but ultimately it comes down to what you and your wife want from your relationship.

A good starting point would be to sit down with her and have an open and honest conversation about her expectations.

It is important to determine if both of you can reach agreements on certain issues. For example, can you find a middle ground where you both feel supported in your careers while still prioritizing the family dynamic you both envision?

Consider couples therapy, as it could help you both communicate better and more deeply understand each other’s perspectives.

The key is to align your goals and see if you are both willing to make adjustments for the future you are trying to build together.

Lastly, take care of your emotional health.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it might be helpful to talk to someone neutral or even a counselor to help you process your thoughts and make decisions more clearly.

Hello, my wife always fights and insults me in every small argument. He ran away from our house three times after arguing.
She also likes to talk to other guys after starting a fight with me and always compares me to them because she thinks those guys can take good care of her while they just want to use her.
I tried to talk to her mother, but she always supports and listens to my wife.
We have two daughters, ages seven and three.
Please advise me on the way forward because I am very fed up with his behavior.

Start by setting aside some calm time to have a serious conversation with your wife about how her behavior is affecting you and your children.

Use I statements to express your feelings, such as “I feel hurt when you compare me to other men” or “I feel stressed when our arguments turn into arguments.” This approach can help her see your perspective without feeling attacked.

Next, it might be helpful to set some boundaries.

Explain that while you are committed to your marriage, you cannot tolerate behavior that is disrespectful or harmful to the family. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not and let him know that continued conflict will have consequences on your relationship.

Consider seeking professional help through couples therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate conversations, address underlying issues, and improve communication between the two of you.

If your wife resists, you might still consider going it alone to find support and strategies for yourself.

When talking about your conversations with other men, emphasize your concerns for their safety and emotional well-being. Let him know that these interactions can create larger problems in your relationship, especially with children involved. Encourage her to focus on building a strong family foundation rather than seeking validation from others.

Lastly, prioritize your daughters’ well-being. Make sure they feel safe and loved, no matter what challenges you face. If necessary, seek support from trusted friends or family to help you deal with this situation.

Remember that you deserve respect and support in your relationship. If things don’t improve despite your efforts, you may need to consider your options moving forward for your happiness and the well-being of your children.

• You can post your questions on rediffGURU Kanchan Rai. HERE.

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