Dear Abby: Family members miss visiting grandma while they still can

DEAR ABBY: My 98 year old mother has spent the last eight years in a nursing home. My siblings and I placed her there when her health deteriorated to the point where it was no longer safe for her to live alone. Her mind is sharp, but she has trouble getting around and taking care of herself. She has made friends there and is loved by all who meet her.

I live 65 miles away and visit her every two weeks. My brother lives a few hours away and tries to see her every six to eight weeks. My sisters live closer and visit mom often. Mother enjoys these visits.

The problem is the eight grandchildren. Most of them live nearby and are either too busy or say they can’t bear to visit grandma ‘at home’. Those who live further away almost never call. My siblings and I have tried dropping subtle hints by telling them how much a visit would mean to her, but to no avail. My concern is that one day they will realize the mistake they made by not visiting her while she can still have a meaningful conversation.

My mother never complains, but she has said she would like to see or hear from more of her relatives. Why is it that people always have time to go to a funeral, but don’t take the time to visit a special someone while they are still alive? I hope my letter will convince someone to take time out of their busy schedule to visit someone in a nursing home. – DAUGHTER IN ROCHESTER, NY

DEAR DAUGHTER: You are a caring daughter. I also hope that your letter is a timely reminder that the time to befriend people is while they are breathing. I suspect many avoid nursing homes and care facilities because they view them as depressing. But unless the patient/resident is so sick that he or she cannot be moved, nothing prevents a son, daughter or grandchild from bringing his or her family member for a nice brunch, lunch or dinner.

The next time you visit Mom, take one or more of your children with you. It would reduce the responsibility of having to have a conversation for them, and if you can take your mom out, the change of scenery could benefit everyone involved.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 15 years cheated on me with a man 20 years older than her. I never winked at another woman. We are divorced now, but I know we still love each other. She calls me from her new house in the middle of the night when she is scared even though she plans to marry him. She knows I’m the love of her life. Am I crazy for persisting? I can’t help it but I still love her. Is she just using me? Is there any hope? – IN LIMBO IN IDAHO

BEST IN LIMBO: The divorce is final. That she plans to marry the man she cheated on should send a strong message to you – and it’s not like she still loves you. If she gets scared in the middle of the night, remind her that she now has a fiancé to protect her. Then change your number.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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