What to do about guilt about your children’s screen time

What parent hasn’t been there? It’s been a long day, you still have to make dinner, maybe lunch for tomorrow, and you just don’t have the energy to push your kids into a new art project or beg them to pick up a book.

Instead, you give in when they beg for more iPad time. Or maybe they promise to do their homework after a few more YouTube videos, and it’s easier to agree than to have another argument. Now not only are you exhausted, you also feel like a bad parent.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Concern about how – and how much – their children use media is a common source of parental guilt, which makes sense given screen use’s reputation as a frivolous waste of time, with no intrinsic value. So even when people are on their screens for a good reason—for example, to relax or otherwise manage their mood—they tend to feel guilty about it. And this guilt undermines any stress-reducing benefit they might otherwise have enjoyed.

But as unpleasant as this feeling of guilt is, the good news is that, if you listen to it, these feelings can encourage healthier choices for you and your children.

Parents’ feelings of guilt about children’s screen use

Research, including from my own media research group, has shown that screen media use is one of the most common tools people of all ages use to relax, unwind and enjoy themselves.

But parents are concerned about their children’s screen use, and for good reason. Without adequate management, screen time can too easily spiral out of control, raising concerns about negative consequences such as disrupted sleep, increased risk of obesity, decreased academic performance and mental health challenges.

So here’s the dilemma. Well-meaning parents set several rules to protect their children from the harms associated with too much screen time. But research shows that most parents break those rules. If a child is sick, why not let him play video games for a few hours? Maybe you sit your child in front of the TV to keep him occupied while you sort the laundry or have a work conversation.

So what happens when you break your own rules, especially if those rules are there to protect your children? You’re primed to feel guilty, and because guilt is its own form of stress, this dynamic creates tension that can be unhealthy for both parents and children.

The downside of parental guilt

The COVID-19 pandemic, as media use increased among all demographic groups in the US and internationally, gave my research team a unique opportunity to study the guilt parents feel about their children’s screen use.

Our research examined how the sudden and substantial increase in screen use at the start of the pandemic affected the way parents thought about their relationships with their children. We surveyed parents in March 2020 and another group of parents in both April and May 2020. We asked about their child’s amount of screen time, their feelings of guilt about their child’s screen use, the stress they felt about it and how satisfied they were with their relationship with their child.

We found that 73% of parents felt at least somewhat guilty, and 48% felt moderately to intensely guilty about their child’s screen use. So feelings of guilt on parents’ screens were quite common.

We also found that parents who felt more guilty about their child’s screen use also experienced more stress about that screen use, and that greater stress was associated with feeling less satisfied with their relationship with their child. Importantly, parents’ initial screen guilt in April predicted higher stress about screen use in May, but initial screen stress in April did not predict screen guilt in May. What does this mean? Screen guilt actually increased stress, not the other way around.

What about the amount of time children spend on screens? Is that why parents felt guilty and stressed? It turns out: not really. In our research, we found little to no connection between how long children use screens and parents’ screen guilt, screen stress, or relationship satisfaction. In other words, it was guilt about children’s screen use, regardless of the level of use itself, that was problematic for parents and, by extension, for their children.

Guilt turns into lemonade

So what can a parent do? Rather than berating yourself for perceived mistakes or misjudgments regarding media choices, it would be much more productive to discover the value and deeper lessons in your screen guilt.

People feel guilty when they see that their actions conflict with their internalized belief systems or standards of behavior. And as uncomfortable as guilt may be, guilt can be helpful in repairing the damage you think you’ve caused, especially within relationships.

In other words, screen guilt can be useful information that prompts you to think about and adjust your own rules or choices. Was there a good reason to relax your usual limits on screen use, such as when trying to comfort your child when he or she is sick? On the other hand, does your child suffer negative consequences, such as not completing homework or not exercising, because of leniency with screens? Or do you just feel like a bad parent because you’ve internalized the belief that good parents don’t let their kids use screens?

Such reflection can be an opportunity to consider not only the way your family uses screens, but, more importantly, what guardrails you may need to install or adapt to support the family’s well-being.

While you may not hear this sentiment often, not all screen media use is bad. In fact, there is evidence that screen use and content can contribute to a range of wonderful outcomes, including learning, social connection, inspiration and, yes, relaxation and stress relief.

Even though guilt may not be pleasant, taking a moment to understand why you feel it can help you create not only a more balanced diet of media and real-world experiences for you and your family, but also in creating more satisfying relationships. with your children.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.