BEL MOONEY: My husband saw despicable child abuse. How can I deal with it?

Dear Bel,

Until a year ago I had a happy and satisfied life. One morning, at 7:30 am, the police came to our house and arrested my husband for downloading indecent images of children.

I kept saying it was a mistake. They searched our house, seized appliances and equipment and took him to the police station for questioning.

When he returned hours later, he admitted it, broke down and told me that he had been sexually abused as a child. He can never talk about it, he has lived with guilt and shame all his life.

When he came across some of the images, he said he felt compelled to watch even though he hated the perpetrators and hated what he did. He said it made him angry and sad, but he also realized he wasn’t alone.

His childhood was difficult; Adopted at the age of three by cold, strict parents who never showed affection. The son of his parents’ friends abused him for months and said that no one would believe him if he told and that he would be sent to a children’s home. He says it’s not an excuse and he hates what he did. He’s kind and caring and not the kind of person you would think would do things like that.

I am depressed and unhappy and cry most days. His case is a low priority because police believe he is not a danger to anyone. However, it could take up to two years before the case is resolved.

I don’t know if I should stay or leave. I still love him, but now in a different way. We have been married for fifty years and both have health issues that we support each other with. I can’t bear the thought of us growing old, sick and alone. We have no children or brothers and sisters.

I don’t know if I can continue. With my encouragement, he has started counseling people who experienced childhood sexual abuse, which seems to be helping. He regrets his actions, but he destroyed my trust and I don’t think we will ever be the same again. I don’t know what to do.

EVELYN

Bel Mooney replies: It’s very brave of you to write with a problem of such magnitude.

A year ago, you received a shock that will never cease to resonate within you: the sudden knowledge that the spouse you have shared a lifetime with has done something that all right-thinking people consider disgusting and incomprehensible.

He immediately became a stranger to you, because the man you loved could never have done such a thing. That’s right, isn’t it?

You are absolutely right when you say ‘we will never be the same’. How could you be? How can you deal with such a change? How can you deal with the turmoil of emotions; the clash between a deeply ingrained habit of caring and the waves of stunned disgust?

These are big questions and truly, my heart goes out to you in your grief. Your husband hasn’t died and yet his old self is as good as dead. Now you have to decide if it is possible to continue living with the damaged and guilty stranger who wears your husband’s face.

I’m sure you’ve already faced the awful truth that you can’t just ‘stumble upon’ images of child abuse.

Nevertheless, the horrific story of your husband’s childhood sexual abuse and the shameful silence he maintained for decades should surely arouse pity, even among those who deplore the madness that led him to succumb to… what?

Evil is a word that comes easily as I imagine – with horror and anger – the abused children in the images he downloaded. But no one can know what long-term trauma will do to someone.

I’ve used “sadness” to describe your state of mind, and it’s important to realize that this is just the beginning stages. Perhaps the loss of the man you thought you knew is slowly being replaced by an anguished adjustment to the “new” person he has become.

Your point that each of you faces illness and old age alone is moving, and that is why I wonder if it is possible for you to build a new life together.

Just as he receives guidance, speaking to a professional can help you navigate the thicket of shock and grief that now engulfs you.

Of course, you will never be able to look at your 50-year-old husband the same way again. But you already find it in your heart to feel some sympathy for the pathetic man he has become.

You can still remember the good times you shared together. You may decide that your small, shared flame of love may flicker in the darkness. I wish you courage in these difficult decisions.

My new married neighbor kissed me

Dear Bel,

In February this year I moved from London to Devon – I’d had enough of city life and wanted something more. I’m 27 and single. I sold my apartment and bought a new one in a beautiful part of Devon and everything seemed fine.

But I’m gay and it seems I made a fool of myself with someone who lives in the same building. We met when he offered to help with stuff from my car and carry it to my apartment. I offered coffee and it seemed like we were clicking, but I didn’t want to click.

He is handsome, 33, but has a wife. We started texting a lot – and I get the impression he’s gay too and got married because he had to.

He works from home and sometimes I do too, so he knocks on my door asking if I want to have lunch. I didn’t do it – I just can’t say no.

One Saturday his wife brought a parcel for me and left a note at reception saying it was in their flat. I went to get it; she wasn’t there and when I took the package from him we brushed our hands. Then he just pulled me in and we kissed – just once – and then I left.

My friends tell me to stay away. I’ve been thinking about moving, but on the other hand, I like my new apartment. I feel very confused about this whole thing. Can you help?

THOMAS

Bel Mooney replies: First of all, congratulations on following through on your desire to move from London. It’s a brave thing to do; Change is difficult at any age and the fact that you wanted ‘something more’ remains important.

I think you need to overcome this current problem by focusing on why you wanted change, and then defining for yourself what the elusive “more” might be. And make a plan to go for it. Do you understand why I start with this positive? It’s much more important than the dip in your love life.

I use that specific term loosely, of course. This hardly counts as a love life, even though it’s easy to understand why you, a young gay man alone in a new place, should fall in love with a helpful and handsome neighbor. It wasn’t crazy.

Perhaps a little lonely, you thought, ‘What a shame he’s heterosexual’ – and that certainly would have been the case if the man hadn’t started flirting with you. He probably liked it – and who’s to judge him for that? He’s not the first married person to realize that someone loves them like crazy and to call them out on it. He won’t be the last either.

He might be one of those who likes the idea of ​​forbidden sex, whether with a woman or a man. Flirting is exciting – and more people than you might think are attracted to a fantasy of same-sex love.

My irritation with your neighbor arises when I suspect that he is playing tricks on you as a kind of game. If he gets a kick out of knowing he has the power to “mess you up,” then that situation contains all the seeds of exploitation. He’s six years older and (I think) a lot more advanced.

It concerns me that he is playing potentially cruel games with someone ill-equipped to deal with such cunning.

Here I will reveal that your letter, handwritten in Biro on file paper, seems to suggest that a young person lacks worldliness as well as computer skills. That’s quite strange, and it makes me think that you are vulnerable and completely unequipped to deal with this man’s fantasies and tricks.

If he is homosexual and still chooses to stay in the closet, he is being unfair to his wife. If he’s not gay but wants to flirt with someone who is, that’s irresponsible and unfair.

Either way, a handsome and charismatic person like your neighbor can cause great pain to anyone who falls for him.

Obviously, your friends are right when they tell you to “walk away.” But that doesn’t mean literally. Why would you give up your home because you are afraid of being deceived by this man?

No, you will have to exercise the utmost restraint: no more texts or lunches, and no more being alone with him. When he asks why you have to be cool and says, “That kiss shouldn’t have happened, buddy, and we both know it.” So we have to chill. That’s all.’

If I were you, I’d (a) make the guy’s wife a friend to spread the word, and (b) find a way to contact other gay men in your area to find people who are free to enter into relationships.

Every week Bel answers questions from readers about emotional and relationship problems. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. Names are being changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters, but regrets that she cannot conduct personal correspondence.