4 incredibly painful lessons I learned from cheating on the love of my life

“Wow,” he said, looking out the window of his car and staring deeply into my hazel eyes. “You are truly the woman of my dreams.” I smiled and closed the car door.

Ten minutes later I broke up with him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I had no choice after cheating on him.

Here are 4 incredibly painful lessons I learned from cheating on the love of my life:

1. Cheating doesn’t just happen

My psychotherapist once said, “Behind every betrayal is an unmet need.” The truth is, I didn’t cheat on my ex because he couldn’t meet my needs. I cheated on him because I couldn’t get my needs met.

At the time, I had zero self-esteem and couldn’t understand why anyone would ever love me. Then I fell in love with a toxic man with whom I cheated on my ex.

The biggest reason why people cheat? Research from The Journal of Sex Research shows that the biggest lack of love is from their partner.

I remember getting such a “kick” when I was finally intimate with him. Not because the act itself was great, but because I thought I had finally received approval that I was worthy of love.

Like Dr. Robert Weiss puts it, “For some, cheating on one’s partner is a way to explore repressed parts of themselves.” Cheating reflected the part of me that was so hungry for approval. But what I really needed was to give myself this approval. No one else could have ever given it to me.

While I wish this realization hadn’t come about through deceit and hurting someone else, it was a blessing. The person I betrayed the most was thinking I could increase my self-esteem by sleeping with someone else.

RELATED: I had an affair – and it completely saved my marriage

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2. Intimacy is an escape

I disagree with the popular opinion that many of us cheat because we’re “just too impatient and can’t stop ourselves.” I think it’s less about our biological drive and more about our psychological background.

As relationship expert Esther Perel puts it beautifully: “Intimacy is not something you do, it’s a place you go.”

Many people describe intimacy, especially the climax, as a natural high – a moment when they completely lose themselves and their ego dissolves. If intimacy can take us to a place where we suddenly forget all our problems, it shouldn’t be surprising that many of us use it as an escape mechanism from our painful reality.

Toronto Addiction Counseling states, “People in healthy relationships have intimacy because they enjoy it. However, if you use it to mask negative feelings or emotions, it is a sign that you are using intimacy as a coping mechanism.”

And that can even cause sex addiction. Once pleasure becomes an escape from pain, it is no longer healthy.

That’s what I did. Cheating made me forget that my parents were divorced at the time and that I had lost all feelings for my five-year-old boyfriend.

My whole life felt like it was falling apart. Intimacy helped numb my feelings, even for a short period of time.

RELATED: We spoke to five women who cheated on their husbands about why they did it: ‘It was a strange form of revenge’

3. He wasn’t the love of my life

Let’s be honest: he wasn’t the love of my life. Because if I did, I wouldn’t have cheated. The Baltimore Therapy Center states: “Infidelity does not mean that love is gone or never existed. The reality is that you can love someone and still cheat on them… It is normal human functioning to be attracted to other people to feel, and to want to do so.” connecting emotionally and sexually with others.”

I only partially agree. Of course, we have to distinguish between love and lust, but if someone is truly “the love of your life,” that true connection and commitment will be stronger than any sudden attraction to another person (if you live monogamously).

As a love coach, many of my clients caught in toxic dynamics call their partners “soulmates” even though they are deeply dissatisfied in the relationship. Dating expert Kornelija Slunksi confirms this: “You say you love each other like you have never loved anyone before, but at the same time there are a lot of lies, jealousy and deceit.”

That was my exact reality. It wasn’t love, it was the biggest trauma bond of my life. And I had been really unhappy in the relationship for years.

The only reason it felt so safe and like I had known my ex for ages was because I had known this from my father throughout my childhood. I stand by what I said before: if someone is truly the love of your life, don’t cheat on them.

SHVETS Production / Pexels

RELATED: What happened the year I cheated on my husband

4. You still deserve happiness in your life even if you cheated

I’ll never forget what my boyfriend’s partner said when he found out I was cheating: “I always thought Anja was such a nice girl. Now that I know she was cheating, she isn’t anymore.” Fun fact: he also cheated on her years later.

I think there is a pandemic going on where cheaters are being called “bad people” and I want it to stop. Those who cheat usually have a lot of personal pain and have experienced (childhood) trauma and a lack of safe love.

That is in no way an excuse to hurt your partner. But it is a reason to show compassion and make sure that we only hurt others when we ourselves have been hurt. Just like any abuser, murderer, etc.

If you cheat, you have to face your mistakes and figure things out to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s not fair to project your pain onto a partner. But we all deserve to have support for the mistakes we’ve made and not be shamed, just as the person who has been cheated on should get all the professional help he or she needs.

Because I was shamed by so many around me, I continued to judge myself and live the lie that I didn’t deserve love. That led to many more abusive relationships.

I’m not proud of what I did, but I own my mistake and I’m glad it happened. If I hadn’t cheated, I might have stayed in an unhappy relationship longer and never heard of my low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can hinder your life, according to 2020 research.

Everyone makes mistakes and we all deserve to learn from them and live happy lives. And again, let’s not forget, cheating isn’t about your partner not meeting your needs, it’s about you not meeting your needs.

RELATED: 18 Unfaithful Women Reveal the Honest Reasons Why They Cheated

Anja Vojta, MSc is a certified relationship coach and divorce expert. She is a regular contributor to Medium, The Good Men Project and Better Humans, among others.