How can you help your child learn self-regulation?

Throughout our lives we must be able to control our thoughts and behavior. We must do this to achieve various goals and interact with others – even when other distractions and impulses get in the way.

This is our ability to self-regulate, and it begins to develop between the ages of three and five.

My colleagues and I have been investigating what parents can do to help children learn self-regulation. What are the do’s and don’ts?

Why is self-regulation important?

A child’s ability to self-regulate has a huge impact on shorter-term outcomes, such as making and keeping friends, attending school, and making academic progress.

Self-regulation allows children to continue with a task or situation when it is difficult and keep their emotions and behavior focused on achieving the goal.

For example, when playing a game with friends, a child can self-regulate and wait his turn, follow the rules, and continue playing even if he loses. A child with low levels of self-regulation may become easily upset and frustrated, and in some cases become dysregulated. This can include meltdowns.

But there can also be consequences later in life. Low levels of self-regulation in preschool are associated with a range of problems in adulthood, such as gambling, substance abuse, poor health, poor sleep and weight problems.

The ability to self-regulate emerges around the age of three, when the brain undergoes rapid physical growth. The period of peak growth is usually between three and five.

The ability to self-regulate is not only influenced by genetics, but also by children’s environments and their experiences. This is where parents come in.

Stepping in to ‘help’

Naturally, parents want to protect their children from difficulties. But sometimes this desire to protect and ‘help’ children can hinder their development.

Children constantly experience challenges – this could be opening a water bottle, trying to find a particular toy in their bedroom or tying their shoelaces. As parents, we can often rush to solve the problem right away.

But it is important for children’s brain development to experience and deal with challenges. When parents give their children a difficult task, they can learn to think flexibly, come up with solutions, and persevere toward the goal. It also teaches them that they can handle things themselves.

Persistence in playing a game can translate into persistence in tying the shoes, and over time, fewer meltdowns.

What should parents do instead?

This doesn’t mean you should ignore your child if he or she is very upset and gets stuck in a tree, or falls and seriously hurts himself.

But there are many other occasions when you can wait or help in less obvious ways.

For example, if a child is having trouble finding the right puzzle piece, parents should wait until the child asks for help or shows visible signs of frustration.

If possible, start by just using guiding words to help, rather than taking a hands-on approach. You can try encouragement, questions, hints, and suggestions to guide your child toward a solution. For example: “Have you tried all the pieces yet?”

Or when playing with Lego, parents can remind the child of their latest success or ask, “What does the diagram show?” They can give a hint such as: “I sometimes have to go back a few steps to find where I’ve been. wrong”, or perhaps more directly: “shall we go through the steps together?”.

This form of guidance means the child is still the one who solves the problem.

Step up your approach

If the child is still stuck, parents can use their hands to provide more guidance.

When completing part of a puzzle, a parent can place some pieces closer to the child to draw attention to them.

If necessary, a more direct approach could involve identifying the piece the child is looking for and handing it to the child so that he or she can put it in and remain active in completing the task.

The child may not have the piece correctly, so the parent should again use verbal guidance for encouragement or suggest turning the piece to see if it fits.

Children are still in charge

The most important thing to remember is that the child should guide your approach to helping him or her.

Don’t intervene without asking or offer full support right away.

You can use encouragement, hints and suggestions, and then practical help. Continue to offer your child the opportunity to work out elements themselves. And know that their way of solving the problem may be different than yours.

Natalie Day, Postdoctoral Researcher, Early Start, University of Wollongong

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.