Characteristics of parents whose adult children often lose contact once they reach adulthood

Adult children who choose to cut off communication and distance themselves from their parents often do so as a last resort, believing that the way their parents appear in their lives does more harm than good. Although the characteristics of parents whose adult children do not make contact vary on an individual level, certain similarities exist, often rooted in entitlement and emotional disconnection.

According to studies cited by Psychology Today, parental alienation lasts an average of nine years. On average, adult children who have no contact with their mothers are estranged from them for more than five years, and those who are estranged from their fathers usually remain so for more than seven years. Although alienation is not always permanent, it does indicate that the established relationship between parents and their children is no longer functional.

Here are 9 traits of parents whose adult children often go out of touch as they get older:

1. They lack empathy.

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Parents whose adult children often don’t make contact usually lack empathy, meaning they have difficulty recognizing the emotions of others. As certified life and relationship coach Mitzi Bockman explained, someone who lacks empathy often judges the emotions of others. They are unwilling or unable to understand their feelings, so they don’t have the necessary bandwidth or perspective to determine how other people are feeling.

Bockman noted that people who lack empathy often struggle to maintain long-term relationships. Vulnerability is a core component of having close bonds, which people without empathy cannot show. They also find it difficult to understand how their behavior affects others. Therefore, an unempathetic parent may not understand why their adult child has made the decision not to make contact.

RELATED: 10 phrases people use when they lack empathy

2. They are controlling.

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Exercising control is another trait of parents with whom their adult children often lose contact once they grow up. It is very possible that parents who were present and available when their children were young became accustomed to making important decisions for them and had difficulty recognizing their independence once they reached adulthood. They may try to micromanage their adult children’s lives, creating tension.

Their controlling nature can be expressed in different ways. They may disapprove of their adult child’s career path or choice of partner. They may even disagree with the parenting style of their adult children and try to undermine the way they raise them. Controlling parents may not think they are doing anything wrong, but if they are unwilling to step back and change their behavior, their adult children will likely cut them off once they reach adulthood.

3. They ignore their children’s boundaries.

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Parents whose adult children often no longer make contact once they reach adulthood tend to ignore boundaries. They do not respect their adult children’s need for space, nor their desire to build an autonomous identity, one separate from the way they were raised. Parents without boundaries often overlook or exceed the boundaries set by their adult children, which inevitably leads to deep-seated resentment.

According to developmental psychologist Dr. Lucy Blake, approximately 20% of adults experience estrangement from their fathers throughout their lives, and 9% are estranged from their mothers.

Like Dr. Blake noted, “Although it can be extremely painful and difficult for people, there are ways in which alienation ensures people’s safety and well-being.”

Respecting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships. When parents repeatedly refuse to recognize their adult children’s boundaries, they risk being cut off.

4. They are dismissive of their children’s feelings.

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Parents who reject their adult children’s emotional experiences often become alienated from them. They invalidate their feelings by labeling their children as too sensitive or telling them that they are overreacting when they express how they feel. Adult children who feel like their parents don’t hear or support them may have difficulty staying connected, which can often lead to them falling out of touch.

Children need to feel validated by their parents, even when they are adults. Parents who are openly critical or judgmental of their adult children for sharing their vulnerabilities often do not stay close to them. Suppose parents downplay their children’s emotions or claim that a problematic experience wasn’t that bad. In that case, their children may create emotional or physical distance between them as a form of self-protection.

RELATED: 4 Signs You Have a Transactional Parent, Who Only Contacts When He or She Needs Something

5. They are too dependent on their children.

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Parents who rely too much on their adult children for emotional or practical support often cause a period of alienation from them. Through an unhealthy reliance on their adult children to meet all their needs, parents create a tense environment that is unsustainable in the long term.

According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, an enmeshed relationship is “an extreme closeness that limits autonomy and blurs emotional boundaries between individuals in a relationship.”

When adult children are involved with their parents, they are usually not given the space they need in childhood to differentiate themselves from their parents and establish their own identity. Enmeshed families tend to exhibit high emotional reactivity, especially when parents feel like their needs are not being met.

Whether they call multiple times a day or expect strict adherence to family traditions, parents who are overly dependent on their adult children often push their children away, even if they don’t consciously want to do so.

6. They offer no encouragement.

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When parents do not provide encouragement or emotional support to their children, their children often grow up and lose contact with them. To develop a healthy sense of self-efficacy and self-worth, children need to feel validated by their parents. While parents who are harshly critical of their children actively damage their self-esteem, parents can also hurt their children by being distant and detached.

Dating coach Erika Johnson noted, “A common reason an adult child may become estranged from their parent is the realization that the relationship they desire is unattainable.”

“As children, we often seek the love, respect and pride of our parents,” she explained, noting that in adulthood “we may discover that our efforts are futile and lead to feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness .’

“At first this separation feels unnatural and harsh, but over time it allows for personal healing and growth,” Johnson concluded.

7. Parents see themselves as victims.

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Another characteristic of parents whose adult children often lose contact as they grow up is constant victimization. They blame others for their problems, including their children, and refuse to apologize when they have made a mistake. By positioning themselves as the ones who get hurt, they avoid the need to hold themselves accountable for their behavior.

Parents who always play the victim put their adult children in a difficult position because their children can rarely bring up issues without their parents making them feel guilty. Because they fail to recognize their role in any family conflicts, their adult children end up feeling like they are responsible for controlling their parents’ emotions, which can often lead to them developing an estranged relationship.

8. They are emotionally inconsistent.

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Emotionally inconsistent parents usually do not stay close to their adult children because their behavior creates an unstable and tense environment. Parents who cannot regulate their own emotions tend to oscillate between affectionate and supportive and distant or downright cruel. Their emotional instability leaves their children in a state of confusion as they do not know which version of their parents to expect.

Inconsistent parenting can disrupt children’s emotional development, which can have a major impact on them even after reaching adulthood. They may not know how to form relationships with a secure attachment style because they were not securely attached to their parents. Adult children with inconsistent parents may make the difficult decision to have no contact once they reach adulthood to give themselves space to heal.

9. They perpetuate conflict.

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Parents whose adult children often lose contact once they reach adulthood tend to perpetuate conflict. Their chaotic presence makes their children feel stressed or emotionally drained, which often leads to no contact once they grow up. Creating unnecessary drama puts their adult children in a difficult situation that they don’t want to be a part of.

Parents who tend to stoke conflict may resort to a variety of tactics, such as playing favorites between their children or pitting siblings against each other to gain support. To protect their peace, their children distance themselves, which often means no contact.

RELATED: Parents who don’t have close relationships with their adult children usually have these 10 traits without even realizing it

Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry.