Dear Annie: I get criticized for being the grandmother of a child who is not part of our family

Dear Annie: We lost our daughter-in-law to COVID-19 just after Thanksgiving in 2021. She and our son had been separated six months earlier. They both had new life partners and joined their three children in a large blended family. My son’s girlfriend has three children, and my daughter-in-law had gotten pregnant by her new boyfriend and had custody of our three grandchildren.

She got COVID, had a C-section and died two days after giving birth, not even knowing she had had her baby. It was so heartbreaking that it even made the news.

We saw the newest baby, a boy who is now 2 1/2, just once shortly after birth. My son’s three children used to ask about him a lot, but not anymore. Why does my heart still feel so broken? He is not my grandchild by blood. I feel depressed about it and the loss of my DIL. I loved her like a real daughter. She and my son were married for 13 years and divorced very amicably. I was very close to her. We were all looking forward to the arrival of her baby.

I don’t know anymore. My son says I need to get over it and that her pregnancy from her new boyfriend kept them from reconciling. Our DIL’s mother is also estranged from the child because she hates the baby’s father and makes no effort to see him. I’m almost willing to secretly go behind everyone’s back and try to have a relationship like his ‘Gramma’. After all, he is also my grandchildren’s brother and is now old enough to be involved in their lives too.

What are your thoughts? I would hate to jeopardize my relationship with my son and if I did… — Heartbroken Grandma

Dear Heartbroken: I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems logical to me that given the close relationship you had with your daughter-in-law, you would feel the same way and want to be connected to her new baby.

There’s no harm in wanting to be a part of this baby’s life, but don’t do it behind your son’s back. Remember that everyone grieves differently and may need more time to adjust to the idea of ​​this new family dynamic. I hope that over time, with grace and open communication, your son will at least be more receptive to introducing this little boy into his siblings’ lives.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].