Question for Eric: Controlling the stepmother was a major barrier that kept father away from his daughters

Dear Erik: My father has been married to my stepmother for over 25 years. From the beginning of their relationship, it was clear that she didn’t want to deal with two teenage stepdaughters, but tolerated us anyway.

She can be fun and is considered the life of the party. There is clearly favoritism towards her two sons, and this has consequences for the grandchildren.

My sister and I are routinely put on the back burner with little effort for them to see us and our children. I tolerate the last minute invites and one-sided conversations just to have time with my dad.

She likes to tell the same stories over and over again. Any visits are always on her terms and are easy for them. All calls to them are made via loudspeaker. Additionally, my stepmother reads and responds to all the text messages and emails we send to our father.

My sister and her son haven’t seen them in over a year after wondering about not getting an invitation to dinner. They are both in their seventies, but in fair health. They live out of state for six months, so time with our father is already limited. I try to stay kind, positive and understanding, but it’s hard. Will we continue to make time for our father? Or should we take the hint that they don’t want to have much to do with us?

– Stunned daughter

Best perplexed: I’m really sorry. This treatment has certainly colored a large part of your life, and it is not fair. Your father should be proactive in maintaining your relationship and should have made it clear to your stepmother long ago that you are valued.

In this situation, there is the ideal relationship you would have with your father, and then there is what is possible.

Pursue the relationship that is possible. If you regret not being able to spend time with him or communicate with him, you can and should ask for whatever you want. You don’t have to understand your stepmother’s rudeness or refusal to make you a priority. Your father and stepmother have what sounds like a toxic relationship. You can’t fix or change that. But she shouldn’t dictate the terms of your relationship with your own father.

If your father is unwilling or unable to have a direct relationship with you, after all you’ve done to be nice, know that this isn’t about you or what you deserve. He may never be able to give you what you should have, but you won’t lose anything by assertively asking for it.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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