I Didn’t Realize I Was Being Sexually Groomed at Work – 5 Overt Signs I Missed

He had a gregarious personality; intelligence and attractiveness to die for. He fit into the idyllic image that made every woman jealous of his wife.

I blamed myself for liking a married man who made advances, and for cheating on my husband on a small scale. I asked myself how I could be so stupid. But in retrospect, maybe I wasn’t as stupid as I thought.

According to 2015 research, sexual harassment and grooming in the workplace occur during healthy transactions that then go wrong.

Now that everyone is so aware of the obvious signs, I wonder if sexual harassment has become more hidden. So much so that you don’t realize it’s happening to you.

After all, women are also told that it is empowering to emulate swimsuit models, wear more makeup, and engage in casual intimate relationships, just like men. Parallel to the more hedonistic, sexualized, overt feminism is the presence of the coquettish, scheming man who doesn’t seem to have much respect for women at all.

It was belatedly revealed that he had done similar things with several women. This too was revealing. People who agreed could play a role in betrayal. However, we began to see how they could face a huge power imbalance – some of the core ingredients of sexual harassment.

At my workplace, my situation was pretty much similar to this. I wasn’t a local; I didn’t know anyone there. I really wanted to keep my job. I was too afraid to tell anyone anything personal for fear of some form of reprisal.

My male nemesis was also desired by most of the women there. I knew what I was dealing with. Out of nowhere, my groomer and I developed an attraction for each other at the same time. At first it seemed like he was a nice guy and his intentions were altruistic. Attractions happen. Married people cannot pursue them. I believed it might even go away.

By the time I was done, we had had an emotional affair without me being fully aware of it. Out of guilt and shame, which I had been suffering from for a long time, I wanted to understand how I developed a desire of my own volition.

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Here are the five obvious signs I missed when I was being sexually groomed at work:

1. He ‘bumped’ into me more often

This is a secret move in the context of a power imbalance. According to the HR Acuity blog on workplace relationships, transactions seem neither unusual nor unhealthy.

You probably don’t even realize it’s happening to you. The person is so subtle that you think it’s just a normal transaction with no consequences. They meet you in a hallway; maybe you see each other out of the corner of your eye; the boss often comes to your desk for valid reasons. Subconsciously, both my attraction and my silence were taken as tacit permission to go much further.

2. He found more opportunities for conversation

This is where groomers single you out, offering information that only the two of you share, and cultivating a sense of intimacy – another technique to try to gain good standing with you. Subtly and secretly my nemesis began to unburden himself about everything; making subtle insinuations about his relationship, travel destinations we’ve visited, and even places from our past where we’ve both lived. In retrospect, if someone really likes you, he’ll be honest and might even try to diffuse the situation.

He constantly tried to show how in love he was, to the point where I felt overwhelmed. Yet he would never express it. Was it just in case he got caught? Was it too intimidating? I’ll never know. But he thought of himself.

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3. He offered work support

At this stage he began to extend generosity. He was extremely emotionally supportive and even helped me with tasks a few times.

But the ultimate was the way he once looked at me; loved every word i said. This is the part that people often get addicted to. He also started to stand much closer, almost as if he wanted to kiss me. He pursued me relentlessly, but at other times he completely cut me off. With even more silence, in his mind, I had started to allow boundary crossings, and that was perfectly fine.

4. He became my favorite person

I didn’t get to phase four, which is isolation. This is where the groomer pulls you away from your support system, in an attempt to become your “go-to person.”

5. He gave me special treatment

This is where the groomer’s behavior becomes much more overt and aggressive, allowing abuse to occur. The workplace became hostile for other political reasons, so I quit before it got to this stage. But the man who once seemed so helpful no longer wanted to know me.

When I thought about it, it scared me. Many times I’ve thought about going out on a platonic date and/or talking to him secretly to diffuse the sexual energy. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. With good reason: much worse could happen in this context.

The worst happened to an intern at a New York TV station, who chooses to remain anonymous on Career Contessa. For months, ‘Mark’, her superior, had been hanging around the office unnecessarily; always finding reasons to approach her; and give her special treatment.

This culminated in an invitation for her, and even her mother, to attend a hotel dinner. He started feeling her under the table. Finally he took the chance, took her hand when her mother wasn’t looking and placed it on his crotch.

My groomer was showing the major signs of zealous sexual overwhelm. His face was constantly red, he could barely talk to me, he seemed nervous and often avoided looking me in the eye.

I felt sexual anarchy. I blamed myself. But part of it was my instincts picking up on what was on his mind. I had the strangest mixed feelings. I found him attractive, but at the same time I wanted to run away.

It’s still difficult for women not to completely blame themselves for sexual grooming that triggers a sexual response, especially when an oppressor could take the opportunity to attack and/or ruin you.

Sexual abuse is common. RAINN reports that every 68 seconds, an American is a victim of sexual assault. Women are much more likely to be abused and attacked, and 90% of adult victims are women. This mainly occurs in women who also happen to be students, making their risk three times greater. Anyone experiencing sexual violence can find support at the National Sexual Violence Hotline, a safe, confidential service. Contact The hotline or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained representative.

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Kerry Martin Millan is a freelance writer who writes about health and wellbeing, often from an intersectional point of view. Her work has been published in Australia, America and the United Kingdom.