Navigating workplace conflict and healing family trauma

Dear Erik:

I worked in the administration office of a busy law firm for more than ten years. I am at least twenty years older than my three colleagues, who all joined the company just after college.

During my tenure, my colleagues all got married and started families. Due to the rigors and responsibilities of parenthood and life in general, one or more of my employees are routinely absent, and increasingly all three at the same time. The burden of picking up the slack inevitably falls on my shoulders.

During a recent performance review, I referred to the stress of having to work alone in the office and my resulting inability to fulfill the department’s core responsibilities. This was a factual statement intended to highlight the need for additional staff. Instead, the company’s executive director reported to all my colleagues that I had complained about their chronic absenteeism, prompting accusations that I, a single man with no children, was insensitive to their family obligations. Our previously close working relationship has cooled considerably.

Our HR department defines annual reviews as confidential spaces where free expression is encouraged. However, my manager violated that trust. My complaint to HR resulted in a compliment for a superior work ethic, which I found condescending. My supervisor’s tactics were ignored. Because my department no longer has the collegial, supportive atmosphere it once did, I am considering resigning and sharing the reasons for this with our management.

– Legal limbo

Best limbo:

You should definitely go as you still have a job lined up. If you resign, there is a message, but that message should not be at the expense of your financial stability.

But your instincts about this job are correct. This is not a place where supporting you or your colleagues is prioritized. And it seems like the top brass is either woefully inept when it comes to communication or randomly manipulative. It doesn’t have to be this way. You brought a workflow issue to their attention and they gave you a gold star and caused unnecessary drama instead of giving you and your colleagues the support you need. Great if you’re on a soap opera. Not so great in real life.

Before you resign, try to mend fences with your coworkers. You may not return to that close relationship you had, but there’s no reason why you should continue to be the bad guy here.

Dear Erik:

My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/their pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse throughout the marriage. I ended up divorcing this man before they graduated from high school.

After years of therapy, I have come to understand my behavior and have sincerely apologized to my oldest for not removing him from that situation sooner.

When they went to college, they started not returning calls and texts.

Last Christmas they told me they didn’t understand why no one defended them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother.

We discussed moving forward with their advisor to resolve these issues together. They told me it was also my responsibility to move us forward.

I have texted numerous times about improving our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they felt comfortable with this and that I would hear from them in the coming weeks.

Since then, there have been no further reports of attempts to move forward. It feels like deliberate cruelty. I feel less and less of the need to interact with them in the superficial way I used to. I just don’t want to push myself into the life of someone who resents me as a mother for the many ways I’ve let him down.

– Angry to mother

Dear mother:

If your oldest says it’s up to you to move your relationship forward and then doesn’t respond, it strikes me as a poorly constructed test of your commitment. They want to know that you will stand up for them, while also punishing you for not showing up for them the way they wanted in the past. This is a sign that someone is not as ready to move on as they say they are. And that’s probably painful for them too.

Try to find a communication boundary that feels right for you, without feeling like you’re constantly reaching out without a response. What you want is to maintain some semblance of the relationship to meet your emotional needs, without setting expectations in your child that they will not meet.

Discuss the pain you feel during individual therapy. This is going to take longer than you want. But it’s not because you’re bad or unworthy of your child’s love or attention. It’s because healing is a complicated journey and you’re both still working on it.