I went back to work four weeks after giving birth

• After my first child was born, I thought I would be able to work on a modified schedule.
• Upper management never approved it and I had to return to work four weeks after giving birth.
• I struggled to stay awake as I drove home and became dizzy from exhaustion.

When I gave birth to my first child, I mistakenly thought that I could reenter the workforce by working some of my hours from home.

When things didn’t go as planned, I went back to work before my daughter was a month old, and it took a dangerous toll on my mental and physical health.

We couldn’t afford full day care

Shortly before I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was promoted to a management position at my hospitality job. Although my pregnancy was planned, I didn’t understand the financial realities of growing our family until I was pregnant and visiting daycares.

After it became clear that the monthly healthcare costs were much higher than our budget could handle at the time, I met with my boss and we made a plan for a flexible schedule that included a long weekend, a few office hours away from home, and working the second shift one day of the week .

This unconventional schedule would allow me to work 40 hours while only paying for childcare about 15 hours per week. Because my boss was so encouraging of the plan, I was surprised to learn during my maternity leave that upper management had never approved my “new schedule.”

My husband and I had to scramble to sort things out after my daughter had already arrived. It became pretty clear that returning to my old job wouldn’t be an option, and I started putting together part-time work on weekends and evenings. Unfortunately, the pay cut I would be taking meant I had to return to work as soon as possible.

I went back to work when my daughter was 4 weeks old

On my first shift back I was dangerously exhausted. I had been up most of the night with my daughter. Because I worked in a hospital, I was on my feet most of the day and felt dizzy. I also had trouble staying awake on the drive home at the end of the day.

More worrying, I think, was the toll all this exhaustion was taking on my mental health. Thoughts of self-harm plagued me; I felt hopeless in my situation, as if I could do nothing to improve the situation.

I wondered if I had made a mistake by becoming a mother, because my husband and I could not give my daughter a more stable situation. This also changed my relationship with my daughter at the time. She had trouble sleeping, and the more burned out I becamethe higher the stakes every sleepless night felt to me. It was hard to be patient. It was hard to enjoy the first few months of her life.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but my symptoms were warning signs of postpartum anxiety and depression. I wouldn’t seek help for my maternal mental health issues until I was pregnant with my third child.

Looking back, I feel disappointed

When I think back to my time as a young mother, I feel disappointed that I didn’t have the resources I needed to properly rest and care for myself and my daughter after giving birth. It’s hard not to long for that time, because a rethink would be even a fraction easier for me and my family, so I could enjoy her newborn days more.

A lot has changed for me since then, starting with the vastly different postpartum experiences with my three younger children. After my second was born, I took a short but sufficient eight-week maternity leave and returned to work on a more stable schedule with more childcare support.

Shortly after my second child turned one, I left my job to freelance full-time and have since been home with my kids while writing part-time. I’m grateful that the work I do now is flexible enough that I can take care of myself when something changes in my life. I’ve taken time off postpartum, after the loss of a sibling, and during a particularly challenging pregnancy.

I’ve worked very hard to create the kind of career that fits my life as a mother, despite unpaid maternity leave and astronomical childcare costs without financial assistance.