6 excuses cheaters use to ‘justify’ their infidelity – by a psychologist

Infidelity is one of the most crushing trials you have to suffer. It leaves us struggling with deep emotional pain and haunted by questions like, “Why me?” and “Why would they do this?” Many people who have been betrayed find that they never get the closure they are looking for. While it is often impossible to understand every factor behind an affair, research can provide some clarity into the minds of those who cheat.

A 2014 study published in the International journal for the humanities and social sciences by W. Craig Carter sheds light on the question “why?” Carter conducted in-depth surveys of 131 participants and collected a total of 133 reasons for infidelity. These findings offer a glimpse into the mindset of cheaters and reveal some of the most commonly endorsed excuses and justifications. Here are six of the most common.

1. Destructibility

Some participants in Carter’s study excused their infidelity by claiming it could be undone, meaning it was a mistake worth overlooking. Alcohol was often cited as a contributing factor to this mentality, suggesting that in some cases drunkenness provided an easy solution to the affair.

One participant said, “It seemed like I always had a drink in my hand, even though I couldn’t remember actually getting one. I always seemed to end up in his room drunk beyond recognition. I told him I have a boyfriend.” Even though they had a partner, they still cheated and summed up the affair with, “I got drunk as usual.” For these people, the affair was something that they felt was not entirely under their control.

Cheaters often use the excuse of alcohol or lapse in judgment as a way to downplay the impact of their actions. Common statements such as “It was just a one time thing” or “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” come up. While these words may provide a form of internal justification, for the betrayed partner, infidelity is often far from excusable—regardless of the circumstances.

2. Biological explanations

Perhaps more troubling was the tendency of some participants to cite biological needs or drives as the driving force behind their infidelity. This was the most commonly endorsed excuse, reported by 14 women and 27 men in the study. Many of these individuals attributed their actions to what they saw as primal desires; desires that their partners alone could not fulfill.

One male participant simply said, “I see a beautiful, sexy woman and I just have to have her.” Another declared wildly: “We’re just animals, and hot, crazy, passionate, dangerous sex is just in our nature.” Interestingly, Carter notes that several men in the study strongly believed that humans are not biologically built for monogamy – suggesting that their infidelity was a natural and unavoidable expression of human nature.

For these tricksters, their betrayal was not seen as a conscious choice, but rather an instinctive urge. However, while this reasoning may help them sleep at night, it is unlikely to provide much comfort to the partner who is struggling with the emotional fallout of the affair.

3. Scapegoat

Scapegoating was another common tactic used by cheaters to deflect blame. According to the study, nine women and 27 men justified their infidelity by blaming external factors – usually their partners. In some cases, cheaters used the excuse that they had already been accused of infidelity, even though they were not guilty to begin with.

One participant explained, “I never cheated at first, but at some point it got to the point where she was constantly accusing me of doing it, and in reality that wasn’t the case.” He went on to say, “So I said, ‘What the heck.’ If I’m going to get accused, I might as well have fun with it.”

Other cheaters even went so far as to blame their partner’s physical appearance or personality changes, suggesting that their partner’s inability to “keep up” caused the affair. In all of these cases, the responsibility is easily shifted from the cheater and the burden is placed on the victim.

4. Denial of injury

While the first three categories are taken as excuses, the last three are justifications for infidelity. The first of these is denial of injury – the belief that the affair did not actually hurt anyone. Interestingly, this justification was cited most often by women in the study.

Eight participants minimized their infidelity by claiming that it was not “completely” cheating, and therefore not so wrong. One participant said, “I have never been completely unfaithful,” adding that their affair only involved “heavy interaction, oral, but never full intercourse.” Another participant excused his actions by saying, “I haven’t cheated on anything other than kissing other people.”

Surprisingly, some people claimed that cheating actually helped them gain clarity about their feelings for their partner. In their eyes, these things were minor transgressions – hardly something worth ending a relationship over. Whether their partners felt the same way, however, is another matter.

5. Denial of the victim

Another justification found in the survey is victim denial – a mentality where cheaters believe their partners deserve to be cheated on – which was cited by eight women and two men. In these cases, participants believed that their partners’ behavior or character flaws made them deserving of being cheated on.

One participant justified her affair by pointing to her husband’s compulsive masturbation, which she believed had affected their sex life: “After spending a year with someone with this condition who refused medication and was no longer the man I married, I started fooling around with the other guys at work.”

In other cases, infidelity was seen as a form of revenge – which Carter called “the condemnation of condemnation.” For example, one participant said, “I cheated on him, but he cheated first,” while another asked, “Women cheat all the time, so why can’t men do that?” For these individuals, their infidelity was not a transgression; it was a justified response to injustice.

6. Earn self-fulfillment

The final justification, cited by thirteen participants, was that their business was a form of meritorious self-fulfillment. These cheaters believed that they were well within their rights to seek out these experiences and that doing so was necessary for their personal growth.

Most often, participants expressed a desire to sow their wild oats before they lost the opportunity. One participant said, “My opinion is that you should do things while you’re young because you might regret not doing something later in life.”

For these individuals, infidelity was not seen as a betrayal of their relationship, but rather as a step toward personal development. They saw their businesses as experiences they deserved before it was “too late.”

Do you consider any of these justifications admissible? Take this scientifically based test and find out if you are prone to infidelity: Tendency to Infidelity Scale