Relationships that survive cheating have these four little things in common, says psychology | Joe Short

As a therapist who specializes in working with couples, I know a truth that most people don’t: that relationships can recover from infidelity. They may even become stronger than ever. I’m not advocating for affairs at all, but I do want to give some hope that relationships can overcome them.

Here are four little things that relationships that survive cheating have in common, psychology says:

1. They understand that affairs do not necessarily indicate a bad marriage

Infidelity is the number one reason couples come to me for counseling. They desperately want to stay together and genuinely want to deal with the pain and betrayal, which can hurt almost as much as the pain we experience when someone we know has died. That’s because the marriage has failed in many ways, but that doesn’t mean a new marriage can’t be born.

An article summarizing the current state of research on the prediction of infidelity, published in Current opinion in Psychology magazine discusses how people cheat for many reasons. Some of my clients have told me that they cheated because they were too afraid or ashamed to talk to their partners about their preferences or fantasies. Perhaps they tentatively suggested an intimate practice, which was met with disbelief, disgust, or accusations of perversion, and vowed never to bring up the subject again.

However, repression of fantasy or desire, according to research in the Advances in the experimental journal of social psychology recognizes does not strip one of desire. In most cases it simply enters the unconscious, where it will eventually emerge in inconvenient, inappropriate and destructive ways.

Some men are so embarrassed that they automatically assume their wives will panic, rather than bringing up the subject. They then project their shame onto their partner, often wrongly. Even if the woman is not initially open to such experiments, the man’s desire for it will probably not go away, and he may look for another way to vent it. Likewise, a man’s unwillingness to be more romantic doesn’t mean his woman’s desire for it will go away either.

These couples need to learn how to have honest, open, and extended conversations about such things, see each other’s different points of view, give each other opportunities to feel empathy and compassion for each other, and perhaps also be willing to experiment.

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2. They know that commitment doesn’t reshape new relationship dynamics

When a relationship survives an affair and the couple makes it through healing on the other side, their bond usually becomes better than ever. But that doesn’t happen without a lot of hard work and many difficult conversations along the way.

Love and desire are extremely subtle and complicated emotions. Internationally known author and psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “The dilemmas of love and desire are far too complex to provide simple answers about good and bad, victim and perpetrator, right and wrong.”

I agree. For example, if the betrayed partner adopts the victim’s attitude of, “You did this to me, and now it’s up to you to solve this problem because I had nothing to do with it,” the problem will not be understood or resolved become. .

The problem may stem from feeling frustrated, neglected or ignored, lonely, or many other things. Condemning the partner who cheated and taking refuge in the role of victim is not only unhelpful, it is also harmful.

Even worse is when the injured party becomes the shamed one, as when a friend or family member says, “How can you even think about staying with that cheater after what he did to you?” It takes real courage to face the subtle issues that lead to infidelity. Such simple judgments from others only worsen the problems. Frankly, shaming the injured party for staying and resolving issues seems counter to our cultural message that marriage and relationships matter and should be fought for.

3. There is a willingness on the part of the cheating partner to talk about what happened

A study in the Journal of Family Issues explains how the betrayer must be willing to listen to the wounded partner’s pain for as long as it takes to reduce the trauma and rebuild trust. They must be able and willing to feel and share their remorse, guilt and empathy for the pain they have caused.

This conversation should take place in a controlled situation, that is, in the presence of a therapist or other ritual and controlled setting or healing space. This expression of pain should not happen spontaneously, in public or in the presence of other family members or children.

Such a strong reaction must be contained by both sides to ensure healthy dialogue. It’s far too vulnerable an interaction and would quickly become polarizing for anyone outside the relationship to witness it.

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4. There is a willingness on the part of the cheating partner to be completely transparent

That means no secret passwords for emails or computers and no secret meetings or letters. Nothing can ever be removed. Otherwise, the injured partner cannot learn to trust again.

Over time, the wounded partner must understand that total transparency is no longer helpful and must prepare for that to end and learn to trust in the dark. This is not easy, but it is necessary.

Infidelity has been with us since the institution of marriage began. If the mere existence of the Ashley Madison cheating website is any indication, it will be with us in the future. So it’s important that as a society we can come to terms with that reality, find ways to deal effectively with the shame and pain, and try to help couples rebuild the bonds that first brought them together.

As for the broader issue of monogamy, as a society we may eventually have to come to terms with the idea that some of us are simply not well suited for it.

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Joe ShortPh.D., LMSW, is a psychotherapist and author of books on the development of gay men and gay couples, including Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi: A Guide for Women Worried About Their Husbands.