I wish I had a birth loss certificate when I miscarried

Trigger Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of infant loss.

When I saw the news yesterday all Women who miscarry are now entitled to a baby loss certificate. It brought back the raw sadness I felt in my 30s when I miscarried my second child. The baby inside me was eleven weeks old when a sonographer delivered her devastating verdict. As I shook her head sadly, I could tell from her stricken face that something was very wrong.

I worked on the side Glamour magazine when the first little problem occurred – in the office toilet I was surprised to discover a strange, pale pink discharge, but I dismissed it as some sort of minor infection. For my peace of mind, I decided to go to St. Thomas Hospital after work to have it checked out.

I was excited and hopeful that I would get a scan and see my baby on the screen for the first time. It was 7:30pm when I texted my partner Stuart, barely able to hide my excitement: “They’re doing it now…”

But as I lay there and watched the scanning machine being moved over my stomach, the sonographer’s face fell. I’ll never forget how she focused on the screen and asked softly, “Be patient…”

“It’s quite small for 11 weeks. Maybe you’re less weeks pregnant than you thought,” she said finally. “Can I do an internal scan?”

I felt a little disappointed that I had to wait a little longer than March 3 to meet my baby, the due date that was etched in my mind.

Minutes later the internal scan was over and she carefully put the scanning wand down. With a distraught face, she turned to me: “Emma, ​​I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat…”

I looked at her in horror. I couldn’t comprehend her words. Then it hit me, like a tidal wave of loss. Still half undressed, I sat up and started crying, “I lost my baby… Where is my baby?”

Before I could stop myself, I sobbed in sorrow. I still had acute morning sickness. I still do felt pregnant. It was so confusing.

“Are you sure?” I asked in disbelief, through my tears, as I searched her face for signs that she might have made a mistake.

She nodded and replied kindly, “I’m so sorry…”